The Imprimatur, ADD, and the "Talkaholic"

 

imprimatur - noun - a person's acceptance or guarantee that something is of a good standard (Google).

The other day, I came across this word in a somewhat facetious text message that a fellow member of my book club had sent to the group. Apparently, her daughter issues the same imprimatur, "That's funny" to all examples of humor, no matter what. As I put down my iPhone, I asked myself this question: If someone uses the same catch phrase all the time in response to whatever, is the person truly listening? Did the person actually hear and comprehend what was just spoken? I would wager that the answer could be no. As I get older, I am realizing that listening to others can be a behemoth task, especially if the diagnosis is ADD and the speakers provide TMI, too much information, but not the salacious kind.

ADD, Attention Deficit Disorder, can affect not only children but adults, too. Mine comes and goes, which makes me think that what I have is voluntary ADD as opposed to involuntary. Simply put, I select what I want to hear and disregard the rest. Like a kindergartener, my attention span is limited. It has been said that small children can only concentrate for a sustained period of about 25 minutes. I think I can only focus on what is being told to me for only five minutes, but it varies depending on the speaker and the content. 

I have found that I have little patience for "talkaholics," communicators who jabber interminably sans  breaths at points of punctuation. If there are indeed any end points, these folks make it impossible to tell. Oddly enough, I know more garrulous men than women, and they tend to be bachelors. Which isn't surprising. People who live alone can be lonely. When placed in social situations, they overreact/overcompensate in a sense, becoming grand mal communicators at the expense of their listeners. At present, I am trying to avoid a new male friend, who talks so incessantly about himself that I can't get a word in edgewise. It's frustrating as I find that I am forced to step on his words just to participate in the conversation. It feels like being on the losing end of a tug-a-war rope.

If you are open to it, here is some practical advice from a former Public Speaking teacher (i.e. me): 

If you are self-aware, most likely you already know whether or not you are a talkaholic. Unfortunately, there isn't an AA equivalent for those afflicted with this malady. Whatever or whoever you are, just be cognizant that your receivers can be suffering from ADD. Limit what you have to say so that there is genuine give and take. Without the interplay, there is really no conversation, just a monologue or soliloquy that perhaps belongs on a stage rather than in two-way communication. 

Considering the state of affairs nationally and internationally these days, there is a lot to talk about. I will issue an imprimatur of excellence (A+) to those who can step up and step back to allow for a balanced, equitable conversation. 

Thanks for "listening." 

#word-to-words, #slice-of-life,  #blog, #blogging, #editorial, #reading, #vocabulary, #ReadersMagnet, #spilled thoughts, #good advice, #personal-essay, #writing community, #writing, #philosophy, #truth #relationships #self #therapy  

    

    

Relationship Affirmations on YouTube

 

affirmation - noun - emotional support or encouragement (Google)

Admittedly, I am a bonafide YouTuber in that I sport two channels albeit one is a mistake that I can't seem to erase. What is the reason why I am on YouTube? To find an international audience for my original music and homemade videos, of course. How do I do that? I tend to start conversations with fellow YouTubers to advertise my music.

However, every once in a while in my search for people who could possibly what to listen to my songs, I will come across videos that relate to psychology, a subject of personal fascination and study, and I will learn something about human beings that I didn't already know. Thankfully, to save me some time, YouTube with its superior algorithms will find videos for me based on my existing searches. Just this evening, YouTube found a video for me that Psychology Daily released, providing a litany of affirmative quotes, the best of which, I would like to share with you so as to save you a bit of valuable time. They are in no particular order. "Woke" alert: Some of the quotes assume everyone is heterosexual. If you are someone outside the nomenclature, I apologize. I'm guessing whoever wrote the material did so sometime during the last century. Just substitute in the appropriate nouns and pronouns that will work for you. 

The quotations are as follows:  

"If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lessons, you will continue to grow." 

"A real man/woman will be honest no matter how painful the truth is. A coward hides behind lies and deceit."

"The main reason behind most breakups is misunderstanding." 

"A woman can't change a man because she loves him. A man changes himself because he loves her."

"Once you are in a relationship, you think it's going to last forever, but in reality, it only lasts as long as you are working for it. If one person stops working, it falls apart."

"Hearing a single negative thing can damage at least five positive memories. Distancing yourself from negativity is self-care."

"Learn to love without condition. Take without bad intentions. Give without any reasons. And most of all, care for people without expectations." 

"Don't treat people as bad as they are; treat them as good as you are."

"We don't need to explain our love. We only need to show it."

"People who hide their feelings usually care the most."

"Crying is actually very healthy. Tears lubricate your eyes, remove irritants, and reduce stress, making you feel better."

"Real people stay faithful to their partners. They don't have time to look for others because they are too busy looking for new ways to love their own."

"A man always remembers the woman who has captivated his mind."

"Without communication, there is no relationship. Without respect, there is no love. Without trust, there's no reason to continue."

"Lucky is the man who is the first love of a woman's life, but luckier is the woman who is the last love of a man's." 

#word-to-words, #slice-of-life,  #blog, #blogging, #editorial, #reading, #vocabulary, #ReadersMagnet, #spilled thoughts, #good advice, #personal-essay, #writing community, #writing, #philosophy, #truth #relationships #self #therapy  

The Epistle: A Thumbs-Up for Letter Writing

 

epistle - noun - a letter (Merriam-Webster: Google)

    In this age of over-the-top technology, the emphasis, of course, is on communication. Yet believe it or not, there are some who shun the popular means of reaching out by clinging to what worked well in the past, letter writing, for example. Ah, you may turn up your nose and/or scoff at what you may deem to be outmoded. However, there are some solid reasons why you might want to return to penning and sending an epistle (a letter) as opposed to using email, texting, a Skype/FaceTime, or a phone call to catch up with others. Here are five good reasons why you should go back to letter writing (and they have nothing to do with Lucy van Pelt's fingers or fist):

    One: A letter is palpable, concrete yet abstract at the same time. You can experience a letter via all five senses albeit I wouldn’t recommend tasting it. (And to experience the audio sense, you can rustle it in a soft breeze as opposed to tearing it up.) It also can convey symbolism or other literary tropes if the writer happens to be a poet and tries very hard to impress the recipient.  

    Two: A letter can defy time. Just think of all the letters written by famous people over the years that have wound up in museums or books. Think Mary B. Shelley’s in the Huntington Library if you have ever been there. If not, definitely put it on your bucket list.

    Three: A letter can unite (or separate) people. If I hadn’t found the letter that my current love interest had written to me in 1980 while digging around in my attic, he and I would not be an item today. Admit it: If you are intent on your lover remembering you over time, write him or her or them a love letter. Letters are way more romantic than emails, and you won't delete them by mistake.

    Four: A letter is a display of written expression that can be telling. Handwriting analysis or graphology has helped people fathom an individual’s personality, unlocking the mysteries of the self. (Okay, maybe not legitimately, but it sounds good.)

    Five: A letter (esp. a love letter) is a purveyor of joy in the moment and over time. The recipient can read and reread it until she or he is convinced that it is real and not a come-on. Or if the recipient is trustworthy, he or she can read and reread it for the pure pleasure of it. (I admit to doing just that.) After all is said and done, digital won't last over time because technology is constantly being changed and upgraded, whereas analog (the basic paper epistle) will if you take time to preserve it.

    I probably can think of more reasons as to why the letter shouldn’t go the way of the Pontiac. (Gosh, I miss my Sunfire.)  I'll leave it up to you to come up with a few more reasons on your own, perhaps in a letter to yourself? :)

#word-to-words, #slice-of-life,  #blog, #blogging, #editorial, #reading, #vocabulary, #ReadersMagnet, #spilled thoughts, #good advice, #personal-essay, #writing community, #writing, #philosophy, #truth #relationships #self #therapy  

Wraiths and Reality

 

wraith - noun - a ghost or ghostlike image of someone, especially one seen shortly before or after his/her/their death. (Google)

This past weekend, I drove down to the Eastern Shore of Virginia to attend an informal reunion of friends from college at the lovely Victorian home of one of the friends. "The Big Chill" it was not, however. It was more on the order of "Three's Company," comical, but not silly.

On Sunday evening toward sun down, we three treated ourselves to a two-hour, historically focused, walking tour of the downtown, which featured a ghost story about a man, murdered for monetary reasons, who has been haunting the movie theater for decades. One employee swore that she actually saw him limp into the men's room only to dissolve completely into thin air. Naturally, this initial, stranger-than-fiction anecdote incited a litany of personal experiences involving wraiths. My male friend went so far as to inform us that he has seen and communicated with multiple apparitions, friends and relations, either in his dreams or during dreamlike states. I don't doubt it, for I, too, received a visit from my father in a dream that I had shortly after his death. Whether or not you believe in this sort of supernatural, Macbethian/Dickensian thing is certainly up to you. If your life experience has not led you down this shadowy path, then most likely you don't think about the presence of spirits, and your reality is more or less normal as opposed to paranormal.

Or so you might think. Whether or not you'd like to admit it, most likely you are being haunted in some sense of the word. If wraiths are ghosts, they are transparent images of the pasts that they had once inhabited. If your memory serves you well, it has the ability to visit and spook you. What I am getting at is that the Past can be a wraith that stays with you and may or may not wreak havoc if you allow it to do so. The only way past an unpleasant, wraithlike Past is to walk through her/his/their vapors by way of the present. Translation? Stay in the present. Which is easier said than done. I admit to being haunted myself, both in the conscious and unconscious states of mind. I don't expect that I'll ever be quite free from the two insistent specters who played significant roles in my life, but to placate or just protect myself, I try to remain fixated on memories of them that are pleasant as opposed to unpleasant. Memory can be selective. You can simply make a choice, which is a theme that I tend to come back to repeatedly in this blog. You can choose to remember the good things about the Past as opposed to the bad. The Past won't evaporate, but it will be more tolerant. At least, you will be able to coexist with it.

#word-to-words, #slice-of-life,  #blog, #blogging, #editorial, #reading, #vocabulary, #ReadersMagnet, #spilled thoughts, #good advice, #personal-essay, #writing community, #writing, #philosophy, #truth #relationships #self #therapy  

Illustrious Illeism

 

Illeism - noun - referring to the self in third person in order to separate oneself from the self.

Is it possible to separate oneself from the self for clarity?

One of my favorite television series has always been "Sex and the City." Although it saw its last episode a while ago, I still like to watch all six seasons via HBO Max. The latest installment, the sequel,"And Just Like That" just isn't the same, especially sans the controversial character of Samantha. Say what you will about the original. You can't argue that it isn't well written for what it is: risky, bawdy, yet groundbreaking cable TV. As I have been a writer since my twenties (a long time) and a high-school English teacher to boot, I can appreciate how the character of Carrie, a journalist, begins each episode with a question. (I might have stolen the idea a few times to use in my classroom, but don't quote me on that.) One show from the fourth season, I believe, features the theme of perception: how we can never quite perceive ourselves with an absolute degree of accuracy. Which is true. We can't. We are either too self-critical or too self-justifying or too self-somewhere-in-between. Not being able to judge oneself well, I think, may be one of the myriad flaws of human nature. However, if you are the exception (in the extreme minority) and tend to view yourself authentically, society considers you "cursed with self-awareness" as ironically, it can be a liability when you are flying solo 20/20 in a farsighted or blind community. So either way, I guess we caught in a Catch-22 and can't win.

Last week, I was scrolling through the BBC's World News' website and came across an article devoted to the concept of self-perception. Apparently, there are individuals out there who can dole out the advice, but when it comes to being able to self-direct, they can't, probably because they are too close to themselves; so when they look at themselves in a mirror, they have a tough time seeing themselves for who they are. In short, they can dish it out, but can't take it, meaning their own advice. But how can you advise yourself if you can't read yourself realistically? The BBC's answer? Illeism. According to the article, ostensibly, you have to provide yourself some distance from yourself by talking to yourself in the third person, which is known as Illeism. Here's an example: "You know, Gwyn, you really should try to stop coming across as a know-it-all and mind your own business when it comes to other people's lives." You get the idea. 

I suppose the idea isn't new since perfectly sane people (?) have been talking to themselves in third person since forever. I suppose it may make sense to try if you are indeed capable of separating yourself from your ego long enough to see that it could be the reason why you can't recognize your own shortcomings. 

Let's face it (if we can), being human isn't easy. Life isn't easy. It was never meant to be. A little bit of self-deception is probably not too self-destructive. For instance, if I look in the glass this morning and see a rock star, will the falsity kill me? Probably not. A boost of fake reality may just make me feel like I can tackle the actual day better. Is there anything wrong with that?

Speaking of rock stars, I'll leave you with a bit of sound advice borrowed from Pink Floyd albeit I might have quoted it before: "Shine on, you crazy diamonds." Be your best self, whomever you perceive yourself to be. 

#word-to-words, #slice-of-life,  #blog, #blogging, #editorial, #reading, #vocabulary, #ReadersMagnet, #spilled thoughts, #good advice, #personal-essay, #writing community, #writing, #philosophy, #truth #relationships   

Love and Marriage in Perpetuity

 

in perpetuity - forever

About a week ago, I came across the phrase "in perpetuity" as I was registering one of the singles off of my second, original album with BMI, a "performance rights" agency that distributes loyalties to composers/artists after their copyrighted music has been played publicly.  It definitely has a legal, contractual ring to it. Lucky for me, all I had to do was check off a box, agreeing that I am and will be the sole owner of the rights to the song forever. And as we know, forever is a very long time. 

In life, contracts abound. In fact, we can't get through reality as adults sans signing agreements. That being stated, few belong under the nomenclature of "in perpetuity." However, marriage does promise to be interminable albeit the divorce rate in reality tends to nullify the original arrangement and usually quite expeditiously at that. Still, there are exemplary couples that embrace the covenant for the long term. In March, I unveiled the ingredients necessary to perpetuate a loving relationship. The blog was called "Netflix and the Secret of Loving Longer." Which had all of two readers. (I'm going for at least three this time around.) Ever since I saw that documentary about the uber committed couple, living happily in perpetuity up in Vermont, I have been meeting real people who mirror that particular pair in at least one sense. 

Just today, as my musical partner and I were setting up to perform Sinatra and Motown tunes for about fifty residents in an assisted living facility, an elderly husband and wife were ensconced in the third row of the house, 30 minutes early, watching reruns of Seinfeld on the TV situated just above our heads. The gentleman just happened to mention that he and his bride had recently celebrated 70 years of marriage. Yes, 70. Most of us don't make it to ten, sadly enough. Of course, I didn't want to assume that what I had noted in the aforementioned blog could possibly apply to everyday reality, but surprisingly, it does. 

This ordinary human being verified a theory I had had even before I watched Netflix, perhaps even before there was a Netflix. The male (sorry, but this might only be true for straight couples) in a long-term relationship has to possess a stubborn choke hold on love. In clearer, less violently graphic terms, he has to be in love with his woman in perpetuity. The euphoric, somewhat seemingly nonviable emotional state has to last forever. Or the deal is off. My own father hung onto an unrequited love affair (or should I say, a marriage) with my mother in perpetuity in spite of her being an often difficult, imperious woman who had pretty much nothing in common with him. Since he was in love with her, it didn't much matter that she didn't return his variety of love because it made him blind to any and all imperfections she inhabited. Ergo the union lasted until the death-do-us-part clause of the agreement kicked in. He never remarried although he did date a woman only because she reminded him of my mother. (You see what I mean? In perpetuity is without a doubt forever.)

So there you have it, ladies. If you believe in marriage (or even a monogamous liaison) and want yours to last forever, just find a man who is head over heels in love with you. If you do, like the song "At Last" that I am learning for my next gig at a local nursing home, a spell will be cast, you'll feel like you're in heaven, and he will be yours in perpetuity "at last." 

#love #marriage #word-to-words, #slice-of-life,  #blog, #blogging, #editorial, #reading, #vocabulary, #ReadersMagnet, #spilled thoughts, #good advice, #personal-essay, #writing community, #writing, #philosophy, #truth #relationships #forever #monogamy  

Smoke Gets in Your Eyes, Literally and Figuratively

 

deleterious - adjective - causing harm or damage (Google)

Just in case you are unaware (or live under a rock), because of the seemingly preternatural abundance of wild fires burning in Canada and the southerly direction of the wind, the New York metropolitan area has been enveloped in smoke. The normally blue skies at this time of year appear to be burned a gray-orange, and the air is tinged with a corrosive musk, deleterious to the eyes and lungs of all creatures. Even with our advanced technology, there is little we humans can do but wait for the forces of nature to find us relief. Yet until that happens (it might take days for the patterns of wind to change), all of us in the path of the smoke will have to find suitable cover in order to prevent smoke from literally getting in our eyes and elsewhere. 

In the 1960s, my pianist grandmother (1888-1983) introduced an inchoate me to a song, "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes" written by Jerome Kern and Otto Harbach for a 1933 musical called Roberta. Since at the time, I was not even into my second decade of life, I couldn't distinguish between the literal and the figurative, so I just thought that the song's title underscored one of the hazards of smoking cigarettes, a popular pastime at the time, around non-smokers. How naive of me. It turned out that the lyrics contain tropes that have nothing to do with the superficial. The words denote the deleterious nature of romantic love. Passion, to be precise. In short, the heat of lovemaking tends to produce a wild fire, which in turn, exudes smoke, which in turn, gets in the lover's eyes, blinding him to any semblance of reality. "When your heart's on fire/you must realize smoke gets in your eyes."  In the tune, the female lover absconds with the heart of her partner, leaving him with tears as a consolation prize (the effect of the cause) and the thought that "when a lovely flame dies/smoke gets in your eyes." Which simply implies that he will remain blind to her faults even though he is enduring heartbreak. 

It pains me to think that in this natural crisis, there are individuals out there on the East Coast who ironically may be experiencing both the literal and the figurative meanings of "smoke gets in your eyes." If you are, then my heart goes out to you. All I can say is find a safe haven inside of a building possessing an interior that doesn't remind you of your ex and wear an N95 mask if you have to go outside :). After all, you just can't afford to have any more smoke getting in your eyes.

#word-to-words, #slice-of-life,  #blog, #blogging, #editorial, #reading, #vocabulary, #ReadersMagnet, #spilled thoughts, #good advice, #personal-essay, #writing community, #writing, #optimism, #philosophy, #truth, #everyday-philosophy, #current-events