The Future of "Grokking"

 

grok (grokking) -v. - to understand something intuitively or through empathy (transitive); to communicate sympathetically (intransitive) (Google).

    The other day I bit the bullet and decided to read (mainly out of curiosity) my "long-term, long-distant, low-commitment, casual" boyfriend's favorite novel,  the sci-fi classic Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert A. Heinlein. The four-hundred-plus-page book set at no specific time in the distant future was penned in the early 1960s, yet still remains remarkably futuristic albeit a tad dated like The Jetsons or The Fifth Element with its inclusion of dirigible taxi cabs. The protagonist, the "Man from Mars," Valentine Michael Smith, a human raised by Martians, groks more than speaks to Earthlings once he is physically returned to his parents' home planet, Earth. The term grok was apparently used widely during the 1960s; however, only those in STEM use it today. Which is why when I came across the word in the novel, I didn't recognize it. Seriously, even though I did grow up in the 1960s, the word was not part of my parents' vocabulary. Perhaps it should have been, though. Parents should always at least make an attempt to grok their children, something that can be hard to do.  

Maybe, just maybe we should contemplate the value of grokking. As classic books are slowly being banned or just no longer taught in public schools, as a former high school English teacher, I am concerned that abstract concepts, such as grokking, may no longer be explored in classrooms. Let's face it: we need to remember and live sympathy and empathy, their definitions, as true understanding comes from them. Although it has merits, technology can also have its drawbacks, especially as it has drawn us more and more into ourselves. What we really need to do is walk out of our shoes and step into those of others. To grok is to be profoundly human. Which might have been what Heinlein had in mind for his novel's paradoxical theme. Smith has to lose his humanity in a strange land in order to regain it by interfacing with nonhuman, Martian strangers.  

Hopefully, we won't have to travel to Mars and back to learn that grokking is something we should all find time to do.

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The Gospel Truth of "Barbie"

 

gospel truth - noun - something that is absolutely true (Google).

It's a challenge to find truth these days, especially gospel truth, since so many prefer to live inside of lies. Let's face it. It tends to be safer to deceive the self. However, every once in a while, there comes a social phenomenon that speaks veracity albeit in a roundabout way, and audiences take notice. Take the recent billion-dollar-grossing, movie-hit "Barbie," which uses innocence to underscore guilt in our society. As good satire purports to do, it quietly exposes human flaws between the breaths viewers take to recover from bouts of laughter. 

What "Barbie" does well is return to the war between the sexes. In brilliant, pastel, technicolor "Barbie Land," the film's first setting, viewers see hordes of Barbies of all shapes, sizes, colors, etc. as happy, healthy, successful, prosperous, intelligent, whereas they see the Kens existing as obscure objects who have little identity and virtually nothing to do but "beach," or stand around and look pretty on sand. Of course, the depiction is a magnification of a world in which women rule. Yet once Ken gets a taste of the real world of L.A., thanks to Barbie who needs to return there to save herself and the other Barbies, he joyfully uncovers the opposite of Barbie Land in that the patriarchy or his male people rule. Soon, he returns to "Barbie Land" intent on making a change for what he feels is the better. The transformation he poses amounts to "Kendom," a land wherein men can be their stereotypical, self-possessed selves and Barbies are reduced to "long term, long distance, low commitment, casual girlfriends." Ugh! (Did this phrase ring true, especially for me as my relationship with my own long-term, long-distant L.A. guy is perhaps a living example of Ken's false ideal.)

If "Barbie" does shine a flashlight on the gospel truth about relationships between women and men, we are in trouble. Lurking beneath the skin of this heavily made-up satire is the realization that we need to look closely at how we treat each other and what our priorities actually are. In both Barbie Land and Kendom, the self (or just which sex is more deserving to reign) seems to take precedence over other selves (humans sans labels), so much so that there isn't enough time to give to worthwhile pursuits, such as unselfish, loving relationships. In life, our undying quest for identifying labels, meaningful, lucrative work, and effective technology consumes us, eventually making us anxious and/or depressed, another truth that the movie exposes in one scene via the innocuous play of human eight-year-old girls. As we watch and listen to "Barbie," we guffaw at the exaggeration of the fictive aspects, but when we leave the theater, we realize the themes that the film presents really aren't anything to laugh about. As they say, "The truth hurts."

On the other hand, the positive takeaway is that there is hope: hope that the millions of audience members who have seen the movie at least once, if not more, won't accept the movie at face value. "Barbie" is eons away from a kids' movie. So if you haven't seen it, please do. It might change something about your own life. 

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The Imprimatur, ADD, and the "Talkaholic"

 

imprimatur - noun - a person's acceptance or guarantee that something is of a good standard (Google).

The other day, I came across this word in a somewhat facetious text message that a fellow member of my book club had sent to the group. Apparently, her daughter issues the same imprimatur, "That's funny" to all examples of humor, no matter what. As I put down my iPhone, I asked myself this question: If someone uses the same catch phrase all the time in response to whatever, is the person truly listening? Did the person actually hear and comprehend what was just spoken? I would wager that the answer could be no. As I get older, I am realizing that listening to others can be a behemoth task, especially if the diagnosis is ADD and the speakers provide TMI, too much information, but not the salacious kind.

ADD, Attention Deficit Disorder, can affect not only children but adults, too. Mine comes and goes, which makes me think that what I have is voluntary ADD as opposed to involuntary. Simply put, I select what I want to hear and disregard the rest. Like a kindergartener, my attention span is limited. It has been said that small children can only concentrate for a sustained period of about 25 minutes. I think I can only focus on what is being told to me for only five minutes, but it varies depending on the speaker and the content. 

I have found that I have little patience for "talkaholics," communicators who jabber interminably sans  breaths at points of punctuation. If there are indeed any end points, these folks make it impossible to tell. Oddly enough, I know more garrulous men than women, and they tend to be bachelors. Which isn't surprising. People who live alone can be lonely. When placed in social situations, they overreact/overcompensate in a sense, becoming grand mal communicators at the expense of their listeners. At present, I am trying to avoid a new male friend, who talks so incessantly about himself that I can't get a word in edgewise. It's frustrating as I find that I am forced to step on his words just to participate in the conversation. It feels like being on the losing end of a tug-a-war rope.

If you are open to it, here is some practical advice from a former Public Speaking teacher (i.e. me): 

If you are self-aware, most likely you already know whether or not you are a talkaholic. Unfortunately, there isn't an AA equivalent for those afflicted with this malady. Whatever or whoever you are, just be cognizant that your receivers can be suffering from ADD. Limit what you have to say so that there is genuine give and take. Without the interplay, there is really no conversation, just a monologue or soliloquy that perhaps belongs on a stage rather than in two-way communication. 

Considering the state of affairs nationally and internationally these days, there is a lot to talk about. I will issue an imprimatur of excellence (A+) to those who can step up and step back to allow for a balanced, equitable conversation. 

Thanks for "listening." 

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Relationship Affirmations on YouTube

 

affirmation - noun - emotional support or encouragement (Google)

Admittedly, I am a bonafide YouTuber in that I sport two channels albeit one is a mistake that I can't seem to erase. What is the reason why I am on YouTube? To find an international audience for my original music and homemade videos, of course. How do I do that? I tend to start conversations with fellow YouTubers to advertise my music.

However, every once in a while in my search for people who could possibly what to listen to my songs, I will come across videos that relate to psychology, a subject of personal fascination and study, and I will learn something about human beings that I didn't already know. Thankfully, to save me some time, YouTube with its superior algorithms will find videos for me based on my existing searches. Just this evening, YouTube found a video for me that Psychology Daily released, providing a litany of affirmative quotes, the best of which, I would like to share with you so as to save you a bit of valuable time. They are in no particular order. "Woke" alert: Some of the quotes assume everyone is heterosexual. If you are someone outside the nomenclature, I apologize. I'm guessing whoever wrote the material did so sometime during the last century. Just substitute in the appropriate nouns and pronouns that will work for you. 

The quotations are as follows:  

"If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lessons, you will continue to grow." 

"A real man/woman will be honest no matter how painful the truth is. A coward hides behind lies and deceit."

"The main reason behind most breakups is misunderstanding." 

"A woman can't change a man because she loves him. A man changes himself because he loves her."

"Once you are in a relationship, you think it's going to last forever, but in reality, it only lasts as long as you are working for it. If one person stops working, it falls apart."

"Hearing a single negative thing can damage at least five positive memories. Distancing yourself from negativity is self-care."

"Learn to love without condition. Take without bad intentions. Give without any reasons. And most of all, care for people without expectations." 

"Don't treat people as bad as they are; treat them as good as you are."

"We don't need to explain our love. We only need to show it."

"People who hide their feelings usually care the most."

"Crying is actually very healthy. Tears lubricate your eyes, remove irritants, and reduce stress, making you feel better."

"Real people stay faithful to their partners. They don't have time to look for others because they are too busy looking for new ways to love their own."

"A man always remembers the woman who has captivated his mind."

"Without communication, there is no relationship. Without respect, there is no love. Without trust, there's no reason to continue."

"Lucky is the man who is the first love of a woman's life, but luckier is the woman who is the last love of a man's." 

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The Epistle: A Thumbs-Up for Letter Writing

 

epistle - noun - a letter (Merriam-Webster: Google)

    In this age of over-the-top technology, the emphasis, of course, is on communication. Yet believe it or not, there are some who shun the popular means of reaching out by clinging to what worked well in the past, letter writing, for example. Ah, you may turn up your nose and/or scoff at what you may deem to be outmoded. However, there are some solid reasons why you might want to return to penning and sending an epistle (a letter) as opposed to using email, texting, a Skype/FaceTime, or a phone call to catch up with others. Here are five good reasons why you should go back to letter writing (and they have nothing to do with Lucy van Pelt's fingers or fist):

    One: A letter is palpable, concrete yet abstract at the same time. You can experience a letter via all five senses albeit I wouldn’t recommend tasting it. (And to experience the audio sense, you can rustle it in a soft breeze as opposed to tearing it up.) It also can convey symbolism or other literary tropes if the writer happens to be a poet and tries very hard to impress the recipient.  

    Two: A letter can defy time. Just think of all the letters written by famous people over the years that have wound up in museums or books. Think Mary B. Shelley’s in the Huntington Library if you have ever been there. If not, definitely put it on your bucket list.

    Three: A letter can unite (or separate) people. If I hadn’t found the letter that my current love interest had written to me in 1980 while digging around in my attic, he and I would not be an item today. Admit it: If you are intent on your lover remembering you over time, write him or her or them a love letter. Letters are way more romantic than emails, and you won't delete them by mistake.

    Four: A letter is a display of written expression that can be telling. Handwriting analysis or graphology has helped people fathom an individual’s personality, unlocking the mysteries of the self. (Okay, maybe not legitimately, but it sounds good.)

    Five: A letter (esp. a love letter) is a purveyor of joy in the moment and over time. The recipient can read and reread it until she or he is convinced that it is real and not a come-on. Or if the recipient is trustworthy, he or she can read and reread it for the pure pleasure of it. (I admit to doing just that.) After all is said and done, digital won't last over time because technology is constantly being changed and upgraded, whereas analog (the basic paper epistle) will if you take time to preserve it.

    I probably can think of more reasons as to why the letter shouldn’t go the way of the Pontiac. (Gosh, I miss my Sunfire.)  I'll leave it up to you to come up with a few more reasons on your own, perhaps in a letter to yourself? :)

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Wraiths and Reality

 

wraith - noun - a ghost or ghostlike image of someone, especially one seen shortly before or after his/her/their death. (Google)

This past weekend, I drove down to the Eastern Shore of Virginia to attend an informal reunion of friends from college at the lovely Victorian home of one of the friends. "The Big Chill" it was not, however. It was more on the order of "Three's Company," comical, but not silly.

On Sunday evening toward sun down, we three treated ourselves to a two-hour, historically focused, walking tour of the downtown, which featured a ghost story about a man, murdered for monetary reasons, who has been haunting the movie theater for decades. One employee swore that she actually saw him limp into the men's room only to dissolve completely into thin air. Naturally, this initial, stranger-than-fiction anecdote incited a litany of personal experiences involving wraiths. My male friend went so far as to inform us that he has seen and communicated with multiple apparitions, friends and relations, either in his dreams or during dreamlike states. I don't doubt it, for I, too, received a visit from my father in a dream that I had shortly after his death. Whether or not you believe in this sort of supernatural, Macbethian/Dickensian thing is certainly up to you. If your life experience has not led you down this shadowy path, then most likely you don't think about the presence of spirits, and your reality is more or less normal as opposed to paranormal.

Or so you might think. Whether or not you'd like to admit it, most likely you are being haunted in some sense of the word. If wraiths are ghosts, they are transparent images of the pasts that they had once inhabited. If your memory serves you well, it has the ability to visit and spook you. What I am getting at is that the Past can be a wraith that stays with you and may or may not wreak havoc if you allow it to do so. The only way past an unpleasant, wraithlike Past is to walk through her/his/their vapors by way of the present. Translation? Stay in the present. Which is easier said than done. I admit to being haunted myself, both in the conscious and unconscious states of mind. I don't expect that I'll ever be quite free from the two insistent specters who played significant roles in my life, but to placate or just protect myself, I try to remain fixated on memories of them that are pleasant as opposed to unpleasant. Memory can be selective. You can simply make a choice, which is a theme that I tend to come back to repeatedly in this blog. You can choose to remember the good things about the Past as opposed to the bad. The Past won't evaporate, but it will be more tolerant. At least, you will be able to coexist with it.

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Illustrious Illeism

 

Illeism - noun - referring to the self in third person in order to separate oneself from the self.

Is it possible to separate oneself from the self for clarity?

One of my favorite television series has always been "Sex and the City." Although it saw its last episode a while ago, I still like to watch all six seasons via HBO Max. The latest installment, the sequel,"And Just Like That" just isn't the same, especially sans the controversial character of Samantha. Say what you will about the original. You can't argue that it isn't well written for what it is: risky, bawdy, yet groundbreaking cable TV. As I have been a writer since my twenties (a long time) and a high-school English teacher to boot, I can appreciate how the character of Carrie, a journalist, begins each episode with a question. (I might have stolen the idea a few times to use in my classroom, but don't quote me on that.) One show from the fourth season, I believe, features the theme of perception: how we can never quite perceive ourselves with an absolute degree of accuracy. Which is true. We can't. We are either too self-critical or too self-justifying or too self-somewhere-in-between. Not being able to judge oneself well, I think, may be one of the myriad flaws of human nature. However, if you are the exception (in the extreme minority) and tend to view yourself authentically, society considers you "cursed with self-awareness" as ironically, it can be a liability when you are flying solo 20/20 in a farsighted or blind community. So either way, I guess we caught in a Catch-22 and can't win.

Last week, I was scrolling through the BBC's World News' website and came across an article devoted to the concept of self-perception. Apparently, there are individuals out there who can dole out the advice, but when it comes to being able to self-direct, they can't, probably because they are too close to themselves; so when they look at themselves in a mirror, they have a tough time seeing themselves for who they are. In short, they can dish it out, but can't take it, meaning their own advice. But how can you advise yourself if you can't read yourself realistically? The BBC's answer? Illeism. According to the article, ostensibly, you have to provide yourself some distance from yourself by talking to yourself in the third person, which is known as Illeism. Here's an example: "You know, Gwyn, you really should try to stop coming across as a know-it-all and mind your own business when it comes to other people's lives." You get the idea. 

I suppose the idea isn't new since perfectly sane people (?) have been talking to themselves in third person since forever. I suppose it may make sense to try if you are indeed capable of separating yourself from your ego long enough to see that it could be the reason why you can't recognize your own shortcomings. 

Let's face it (if we can), being human isn't easy. Life isn't easy. It was never meant to be. A little bit of self-deception is probably not too self-destructive. For instance, if I look in the glass this morning and see a rock star, will the falsity kill me? Probably not. A boost of fake reality may just make me feel like I can tackle the actual day better. Is there anything wrong with that?

Speaking of rock stars, I'll leave you with a bit of sound advice borrowed from Pink Floyd albeit I might have quoted it before: "Shine on, you crazy diamonds." Be your best self, whomever you perceive yourself to be. 

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