The Empath

 

empath - noun - a person with a high capacity for empathy; one who is highly sensitive to the mental and emotional states of people around them (WebMD).

Save yourself or your health insurance company $250 per one hour session with your psycho-therapist. If you are self-aware, willing to embrace your liabilities, you can self-diagnosis your condition via the internet. Of course, professional analysts will always be necessary as so few of you out there are able to look your faults in the face and do the research as to how you can rise above what is ailing you. 

The other day, I did, and I have to admit that I am glad. My self-inflicted enlightenment came when I acknowledged that I am an empath–or as my mother had pointed out once long ago–I feel too much. Because of this, I and persons like me tend to have a hard time negotiating romantic relationships. We tend to fall in love almost immediately, "love bomb" just because we become precipitately obsessed with the object of our affections, take initiative planning dates, and hastily make regular contact via texts, email, video-calls, or just plain phone calls. Then the sh*t hits the fan. As we are galloping away towards the finish line, we realize that we are the only jockey on his horse in the race since we haven't given the other party time even to fall in like with us. Needless to say, high expectations of reciprocation are leaking through the saddle bag, and sooner as opposed to later, there is resentment as we empaths are too afraid to throw a rock onto the track, stop the race, and communicate our needs to the other jockey and horse a length behind us, but coming up fast. So what happens inevitably is that we quit and trot off to the stables alone without looking back. I can't tell you how many times I have prematurely left a perfectly good race to the finish line of mutual love just because I was not prepared to speak my mind to my contender.  

What causes a person to be an empath, you ask? Emotional volatile parents. If you had a mother like mine, one who was always on the verge of exploding with anger towards my narcissistic sister, you, like I, would be prone to anticipate the eruption and head for the hills before arrival. In order to do this, you, like I, would need to latch onto the culprit (the parent) closely, almost becoming the person yourself so that you could feel the pot brewing before it reached its boiling point. Eventually as an adult, you find yourself intuitively connecting to everyone, deserving the title of intuitive empath. As so much energy is used up in the process, you tend to seek solace to reboot, confusing close companions who are left asking, "Where did she/he run off to?"

What can we empaths do to achieve longevity in romantic love or friendship? There is only one way that we can: erase the fear of confrontation and communicate our needs clearly, in some cases, strongly. Last weekend, I told all of this to my boyfriend, James Bond, who has his own psychological baggage, but probably more or less ADHD and/or just PTSD. Ordinarily, as he is not a hot head unless he is driving on the 405 and someone cuts him off, he just said that I should hit him over the head with what I want or need without mincing words. (As an actor and bonafide Jersey girl, this is something that I am not shy about doing.) Example: "Hey, Asshole! I need you to text me good morning every once in a while." Apparently, "Asshole" alone would motivate him. So far, it is working. It could work for you, too. 

Being an empath isn't easy, but it can often open the door to friendships as we empaths tend to be more selfless than selfish, and we will listen to people's problems and even shed a few tears with them. And we will remember birthdays, organize dinner parties and outings, each becoming recognized as the ultimate cruise director. After all, everyone appreciates a compassionate listening ear and a natural giver. 

However, it is never good to be so selfless as to be invisible. Empaths' lives matter just as much as those of their opposites, narcissists, as well as everyone else in between. If you aren't an empath, but you have a friend who is, connect with the person and tell him or her that next time, you will call to listen to his or her rant, wish him or her a happy birthday, or take him or her out to lunch as you are aware that you contribute virtually nothing and are now feeling guilty enough to return favors that the empath has so willingly provided over the years. 

Maybe just stop using the excuse that you are too busy and try to be a better friend to all in your life, not just the empaths?

Just sayin' or just hitting you over the head with it. 

#empath, #romantic love, #friendship, #blog, #blogger, #personal essay