saboteur - noun - something or someone that destroys, damages, or obstructs (Google)
For whatever reason, lately, I've become a sounding board for male friends who would like to be in romantic relationships but who don't quite understand that in order to receive, you have to give. And when it comes to women, you have to give a lot–in particular–of your time. However, being that most of us women understand that time is becoming more and more invaluable, maybe more than anything, what we just need, desire, crave is your undivided attention, which need not take up much time. As so many men (and women) are addicted to their cell phones, what used to be so easy to impart (general, polite consideration in the moment) is no longer. In fact, a cell phone can be a downright saboteur of your love life, if you allow it to be.
Case in point #1: Jack: Several years ago, I made the mistake of making a lover out of a perfectly decent platonic friend, an attractive real estate broker, who is thoroughly, utterly, completely devoted to his two manipulative adult daughters. For my birthday, he borrowed a client's capacious home and went to extremes to prove his passionate love for me by reimagining the living room. Romantically minded, he made the effort to include two chairs, a bistro table complete with a white linen tablecloth, polished silver, champagne glasses (as well as champagne), candles, a lit fireplace...you get the picture. Just after we sat down to enjoy a gourmet dinner that he had prepared himself, his smart phone rang. On the other end was one of his daughters. Rather than say, "I'll call her back later," put the phone on airplane mode, and pocket it, he took the call. His daughter was filling out an insurance form and needed his undivided attention immediately. Unfortunately, so did I. Guess who got it? To make a long story short, the following week, I broke up with him. Are you surprised? He was. Clueless, just clueless.
Case in point #2: Jim: Jim is a platonic male friend, whom I most surely will keep as one. The reason is this: He is yet another clueless one when it comes to women and their needs. Sympathetic toward the plight of persons of my gender, I'm sticking around to advise him so that perhaps someday he'll obtain what he wants: a female, romantic counterpart. Jim's main problem is that he allows his ex-wife (and his two teenagers) to dominate his life via the airspace in his free time. Ergo, any girlfriend would have to be comfortable with being in fourth place. And guess what? No self-respecting woman would. His cell phone (with his permission, of course) already sabotaged two romantic relationships. How? Apparently, his ex-wife, who still wears the riding pants and holds the crop and reins, always calls him demanding an audience at the wrong moments, and he takes the calls or reads and responds to her texts. On two separate occasions after putting his dates on hold and speaking to his ex on his smart phone, both prospective paramours flipped him off and are no longer talking to him. Yet can you blame them?
What good advice have I to give to these men and to you? If you want to keep a woman (or a man, because it goes both ways), put down, shut off, leave home your cell phone. It and all of the people trying to get in touch with you are not going to get you a roll in the feathers. The women (or men) with whom you are in love or want to be in love need to know that you intend to put them first because they should be first–not second, not third, not fourth, etc. If you can't accomplish this feat, then you'll just have to be content spending time with your kids and your ex-spouse or any other iteration of "ex."
While you're thinking about this, I'll leave you with the Stones: "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might just get what you need."
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