Amateurs and Marriage

 

amateur - noun -  1. a person who engages in a pursuit on an unpaid basis 2. a person who is incompetent or inept at doing something (Google)

As summer tends to be a season devoted to the sealing of sacred covenants, what better book to read before or after attending weddings (if you tend to lean more toward realism/cynicism) than Anne Tyler's The Amateur Marriage. Which I just finished as a book club selection days before I'll be included in two celebrations of marriage in one week. The novel depicts romantic, self-centered amateurs, Pauline and Michael, gorgeous star-crossed lovers who fall in love instantaneously when too young (like Romes and Jules) and decide to "make it real" after getting caught up in the rush of a world war. After years of emotional turmoil whilst raising three very different children, Pauline instructs Michael to "get out" on the night of their thirtieth anniversary, and he does, rarely to look back, like so many in fiction and in real life have done. Unfortunately, the divorce rate doesn't seem to be diminishing in either realm despite more and more reasons to stay together, including but not limited to "the children." It is what it is.

I, myself, am not a fan of marriage or anything resembling a marriage. Like many of you, I was married to the wrong person who seemed right in the moment, but like fictive Pauline, I was too young to grasp the meaning of "forever," too naive to remember that people evolve or disintegrate over time; nothing stays the same. A promise or contract such as the one involved in nuptials is binding, and it often leads to complacency and the truth, the real self emerges because it can sans fear, and it can be paralyzing to the other person who signed on the dotted lines and who is a bit behind in terms of revealing idiosyncrasies. In short, any degree of change in behavior can be a bitch. 

If I were to give my friends' daughters, who will find themselves brides this weekend and next, advice, I would tell them there is no right way to approach marriage because like everything in life, it is a risk. You can watch limitless YouTube videos, read multiple books, go to a dozen therapists, and still find yourself in the amateur category. I can't even plug communication skills as being the answer to longevity here because sometimes you can communicate your needs to a deaf ear, resulting in "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." Disengagement is the number uno cause of divorce.

A successful "professional" marriage or lengthy relationship as opposed to an unsuccessful amateur one depends on tolerance, i.e. how much you can tolerate from your life partner who isn't always going to be what you want him or her to be. You can either develop a thick skin that protects a sound sense of humor and stick it out for fifty to seventy years, or you can cut your losses and do like Michael does in Tyler's book; but even he has regrets in the end because he is a reasonable facsimile of a human being. We are authentic humans, so like everything else in life, love and marriage will never be easy to negotiate. 

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