Can You Date James Bond Safely?

 

trauma - noun - a deeply distressing or disturbing experience (Google).

Out here in the realm of internet dating, as a single, straight, sixty-something woman, I know that you can meet a plethora of  men, especially if you happen to look way younger than you are, have hair (preferably long and bleached), and can still pull off wearing a bikini. (Am I suggesting that men are superficial? Hmm.) Most of the available gentlemen I have met are successful and have led fascinating lives, which is to be expected when one lives in a large, cosmopolitan city populated with over nine million people. But for whatever reason, the relatively "normal" ones are a rarity. I haven't met one yet who hasn't had at least a half dozen red flags safety pinned on to his Tommy Bahama camp shirt. The trouble is that I tend to ignore them because I get caught up in the glimmer of a shiny surface and nod yes, when I should shake my head no.

My last Match date or six dates were with James Bond. Okay, his last name wasn't Bond, but it could have been. Geez! All I can say is that Ian Fleming's psychological characterization of his antihero is spot on. In case you don't recall the reason why the fictive James has control and intimacy issues, it is due to severe trauma when he was eleven; his parents were killed in a mountain climbing accident, leaving his aunt to raise him. My actual version had alcoholic parents, who were not entirely present for him; ergo, he was left to his aunt. Like Fleming's Bond, this James (his real name) was trained as an assassin (but by the U.S. Army, not MI6, the British Secret Intelligence Service). To this day, he still claims ownership of a few pistols. Just as Ian's testosterone-charged invention, my James is a handsome adventurer, a pilot, an expert surfer, a mechanic, medic, an archer, and a snowboarder. Not surprisingly, he has slept with a multitude of women (two more than celluloid Bond) but has never been in love even though he was actually married and divorced. (You might recall that fictive James was married, but his counterpart was killed.)

All of the aforementioned should have daunted me, but as a big fan of the Bond movies, I just couldn't resist the actual James's ability to take initiative, act like a perfect, romantic gentleman, and insist on picking up the tab. Unmitigated generosity is rare. The problem was his expectations were as unrealistic  as Bond himself. Perhaps like the fictional version, my James is insecure. For one, he didn't like that I was way too popular on the dating site where I found him. 

What can I say? I could have fallen in love with James, but I am glad I didn't because it just wouldn't have worked out in the long run. I am sure the sex would have been addictive and might have allowed us to last a year or so; but in the end, strong, secure women just need strong, secure men who understand who they are and accept them as is. Perhaps what I want is the opposite of how Bond liked his martinis. I desire to be stirred gently and consistently, not shaken passionately and precariously. In case you are curious, I prefer JD with honey on the rocks and real men to literary creations.  

Can you date James Bond safely? What do you think? 

P.S. As of today, Bond and I are friends, trying to make it work like most fictitious characters aiming for a Hollywood ending do. Hey, anything is possible. Right? We have a chaotic king for a president.

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