"Spirit" in the Sky: A Critique of Commercial Airlines

 

penchant - n. - a strong or habitual liking for something or tendency to do something (Google).

In the sixties, seventies, and early eighties, I used to have a penchant for traveling via commercial airlines, the key word here being "used." After flying to L.A. from New York, L.A. to Portland, L.A. to Boston via Philadelphia, L.A. to Vegas, and L.A. to Ft. Lauderdale via Houston in under four months, admitting to being "spent" would be an understatement. I am exhausted, not from adventuring forth, but from the means by which I adventured: the airlines themselves. Ugh.

To be fair, not all of the commercial airlines are half bad. It is also necessary to take into consideration that I fly "steerage," what the liners refer to as "basic economy," the lowest common denominator of options. To be entitled to the reduced fare of basic economy, you must take only one carry-on that has to be stowed under the seat in front of you and must agree to join the crammed occupants inhabiting stiff, straight-backed, third-class seats on the jet in the way, way back. As bad luck would have it, I usually find myself in row 30, right in front of an ever-flushing john, surrounded by screaming infants in considerable distress, much to the dismay of their parents, who are apathetic to the comfort of their fellow passengers. When I find myself in this unfavorable position, "You only get what you pay for" tends to reverberate through my head. Ugh.

But I digress. In case you don't already know, Delta is about the best corporation in the sky. Even if I do find myself where I don't want to be, sometimes I might have a row to myself in addition to complimentary beverages, a snack in a small package, and movies projected on the headrest of the seat in front of me. Although overworked, the flight attendants are generally industrious and agreeable. 

On the other hand, American and United can both be problematic. The former tends to emphasize the extremes of classism by dividing the cabin into thirds: first (upper class), business (middle class), and coach (lower class), making those relegated to steerage think they are mutually stuck in a third-class berth on Titanic. The last time I flew American, one of the flight attendants mysteriously disappeared, causing a delay of about an hour. The company's excuse? The euphemistic, "Oh, there was a scheduling conflict." Yet murmuring through the crowd was the probable rumor: "The flight attendant forgot something in the ladies' room and went back for it, never to be seen again." For whatever reason, the latter, United, usually experiences delays, especially from their hub of Newark. Ugh. 

By far the worst airline I've encountered is yup, you guessed it: Spirit. Like People Express before them, Spirit believes in customer service for a price. They nickel and dime you for everything. It is flying at the bare minimum, no frills whatsoever. Actually, I'm surprised the passengers don't have to sit on the meagerly carpeted floor. And if you are unfortunate enough to be caught on the runway for over an hour in the middle of the night due to a corporate scheduling error regarding gate availability, the flight attendants (who do pretty much nothing because there is nothing for them to do) won't even offer the incensed passengers any free leftovers from the barely touched, pay-per-portion refreshment cart. No kidding. Yet they smile and laugh just to convince you they own what was formerly known as "the ole college spirit," living up to their employer's name: Spirit. Ugh. 

In summary, traveling economically via commercial airlines these days is not for the weak at heart. You have to be tough and tenacious. Take it from an experienced, yet frugal flyer who has gone up in biplanes, a stunt plane, and even a balloon. If you have the money, spend it flying first class on Delta. Although you will probably still have to wait in line somewhere in the airport, at least you'll be able to relax in comfort once you are on board. No "ugh's" in sight. 

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Losing on Jeopardy?

 

jeopardy - noun - exposure to or imminence of loss or injury

Looking to find a basic definition, I googled "jeopardy," and guess what I came up with? The television game show, of course! Jeopardy has been on the box for forty seasons, boasting over nine thousand shows. Which says a lot. It says that enough people out there in TV Land (network TV Land) are interested in seeing just how much they learned in all of their years of schooling. Ergo, for decades, they have played along with the three contestants chosen from a deep pool of erudite individuals. But as we all know, when it comes to Hollywood, nothing is as it seems to be, especially in a town that invents fantasies and perpetuates them.

Today, my daughter and I drove onto the Sony Pictures' lot in Culver City (definitely one of my favorite L.A. sub-cities) unprepared for what the morning and a portion of the afternoon would bring us as members of Jeopardy's studio audience. Personally, I thought the experience would be more like being in the house at Jimmy Fallon's show where one observed an even taping and only had to applaud when the flashing light labeled APPLAUSE warranted it. It was more of a live broadcast. Being in the stands at Jeopardy was quite different, like being an extra on a movie set sans the omnipresent catered cuisine and eventual paycheck. We volunteers had to do a lot of cueing up and waiting in corralled herds (common on movie sets), listen to and follow through with multiple directives, and maintain patience while the production crew corrected misspellings on the board and overdubbed some of Ken Jennings's and the contestants' words. We, about a hundred naive tourists, were put in jeopardy as human flaws were being perfected in real time. Of course, no one in the audience realized that the studio system was taking advantage of them since both the parking and ticket to the show were free and so few things in life are free. On the other hand, as P.T. Barnum once said, "There's a sucker born every minute." And Hollywood makes no exceptions. 

On the totally positive side, while we were lined up single file outside against the wall of the soundstage, polished Ryan Seacrest, Dick Clark's successor and new host of Wheel of Fortune, drove up in his new muted-gray Austin Martin (yes, I know how much they cost), parked parallel to our firing line, stepped out three feet in front of me and gave me, my daughter and a few other stunned onlookers one beaming Hollywood smile. He was, to be honest, a sparkler, perhaps better looking in real life than on TV. Being able to drool over him for a New York minute was worth the complimentary ticket to Jeopardy and what it yielded.

Needless to say, as many of you bonafide fans already know, the contestants don't lose even if they lose. The second and third place gamers walk away with 2K and 1K even if they wind up with nothing earned. One could say that the audience is at a loss, but it really depends on how you look at it. We did walk away with a thorough knowledge of the recording process and the recognition that it isn't easy. 

My recommendation? Even if you are a huge fan, don't buy a plane ticket to L.A. just to see a taping. Watch the show at home where you can call out the answers–whether they be right or wrong–and throw popcorn at the tube if you feel the answer to the inevitable question was too vague or misleading. We in the audience didn't have those luxuries. I actually missed them. One thing is for certain. If you at home continue watching the show, you'll never be in jeopardy of losing it. 

#word-to-words, #slice-of-life,  #blog, #blogging, #editorial, #reading, #vocabulary, #ReadersMagnet, #spilled thoughts, #personal-essay, #writing community, #writing, #truth, #satire, #society, #good advice