A Legacy of Poor Parenting

 

onanism - noun - masturbation

For whatever unbeknown reason, a topical subject of late has been poor parenting, and I confess that I haven't been solely responsible for broaching it. As cosmic irony would have it, in the midst of all the talk, I just happened to choose Phillip Roth's Portnoy's Complaint on advice from a trusted friend for next month's Book Club selection. The creative work of fiction in its entirely is pretty much an altruistic Jewish man's rant to his psychiatrist about how his inept, verbally abusive parents, particularly his schizoid mother, have driven him to onanism and other perverse attempts at escaping whatever guilt they have managed to conjure up in him throughout his life. Needless to say, the novel isn't an easy read, particularly because it is veracious. Because it is veracious, it can be humorous at times, most likely since all of us, no matter how old we are, have at one time or another blamed our parents for our own inadequacies. 

The other day as my daughter and I were on our way to the local park "to shoot some hoops," she mentioned that her best friend, who dates back to kindergarten, said that she never felt that her parents truly loved her unconditionally–her therapist agrees–and consequently censures them for her propensity to bed down with just about any man who looks her way. Admittedly, I once suffered from a similar sense of insecurity most likely brought on by my parents who really didn't have a passion, not so much for me, but the concept of parenthood. The difference between my daughter's friend and me is that I don't consciously inculpate my parents for any idiosyncrasies that I might have developed over the years. Conversely, I think I turned out quite well, but my success has had little to do with my parents. If in the course of my youth, they made me feel unloved, I found love elsewhere, not in the arms of fatuous adolescent boys (although there was one or maybe two of them), but on the stage. OK, it did help that I had the talent to motivate audiences to rise up into ovations, yet no one needs to be gifted creatively to find outlets of love. What my daughter's friend has to do to compensate for her parents' foibles is not to surf Bumble, but to help others in need as a volunteer. Most likely, if she aids them, she'll feel loved, or at least, appreciated. And isn't appreciation a kind of love? 

I will say that as a parent myself, I have tried to rise above my own parents' shortcomings (and most of us do), yet at the same time, have sought to find balance sans overcompensation. Which is quite a tightrope to walk.

If you are not a parent, but are thinking of becoming one, please remember that it is not easy. You may find that parenting will be the most difficult task you have ever tackled, no matter how difficult your current occupation may be. It is important to note that self-sacrifice is an essential ingredient to good parenting. If you are not willing to sideline some of your own wants and needs to satisfy a much smaller family member's on a full-time basis, parenthood is not for you. And that's okay because you should never feel as though you have to procreate just because everyone else is. People who become parents sans having their hearts in the right place only wind up creating a legacy of poor parenting. And who wants to fail at something so significant? 

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