Funerals and Weddings

 

paean - noun - song of praise or triumph (Google).

*Disclaimer: for those who are extra sensitive and take offense easily, the following contains facetious, "dark" comedy. Do not read it if you don't own a sense of humor. 

Unfortunately or fortunately, December tends to be a month of funerals and weddings. Since both are ceremonies, paeans directed at a specific person or persons during the course of both are common. In fact, the two have quite a few similar attributes although most who meet with wedding planners are not looking at them and seeing their resemblance to funeral directors. If they are, they probably shouldn't be getting hitched in the first place. 

Unfortunately (as most would perceive it), I am included as an attendee at more funerals than weddings, but I am over sixty, so it just makes sense that many of my friends are losing their parents at this time of life. I, unfortunately again, lost mine many years ago when I was still considered comparatively young, but my parents were much older than those of my friends. Lately, though, since I don't see myself ever getting married again (Once was definitely enough.), I'm starting to understand and side with the character of Gareth in one of my favorite comic films from the 1990s: Four Weddings and a Funeral. As he is gay and does not have the opportunity to marry, he prefers funerals to weddings because "it is easier to get enthusiastic about a ceremony one has an outside chance of eventually being involved in." To be painfully honest, at this juncture in my life, lying horizontal in a wooden box before a church altar seems more realistic than standing dressed all in white beside someone at the same location albeit the former would not by choice and the latter would be.

If you step outside of your emotions for a minute or two, you can see that funerals and weddings have more than paeans that unite them:

1. Both involve unknowns. No one actually knows what will happen to the deceased's soul; no one knows what will happen to the newly contractually combined couple. (Will the agreement hold or not? The divorce rate is a bit beyond 50 percent right now.)

2. Both involve an end and a beginning (if you believe in some kind of life after death or marriage) or the beginning of the end of individual freedom on the planet. The spirit of the deceased or either of the newlyweds could very well be asking, "Where do I go from here?" The question is not one that you'd be privy to hearing, though. 

3. Both involve a large sum of money upfront. (I know because I've had to shell out for both.)

4. Both fill churches and can be similar to a family reunion since there are some relatives who will only attend one or the other or sometimes both depending upon the featured individual. 

5. Both involve emotions. People cry at both services, but hopefully for opposing reasons. 

On Saturday, I sang paeans as a first soprano in a church choir at a glorious memorial service for a friend's saintly mother. The service, like that of a wedding, included eulogies not unlike those you might hear from the best man or maid of honor at a wedding reception. (There's another commonality.) Because the deceased passed at nearly 93 and had lived a picture-perfect life, the general mood in the church was light. In fact, when I did shed some tears at the end, people walked away from me, which I thought was on the rude side, but they were probably just protecting themselves from a similar fate. The officiating minister, someone who knew the saint well, was even uniformly jovial and upbeat. Unusual, I know.

As I was leaving the repast, I thought that funerals may not be all that bad as they tend to give back in a way that weddings do not. For one, at a memorial service, you learn quite a bit about the departed that you never knew in life. For another, if the panegyrics are well written, there are usually embedded, uplifting jokes somewhere that are memorable, worthy of repetition. And if you are on the cheap side or are not monetarily well off, a funeral will not cost you more than the flowers or charitable donations you give. On the other hand, a wedding could cost you, the invitee, up to a thousand dollars if you are on the guest list of the engagement party, the bridal shower, and the actual wedding. You could pay more if you are asked to be included in the actual wedding party. Ouch.

The bottomline reads that you are your attitude. Both funerals and weddings possess positives and negatives depending on your viewpoint (and sense of humor). The wine glass that you hold at either reception can be half full or half empty. What you need to remember is that both traditions are part of life; both give us a rare opportunity to celebrate loved ones for better or worse in the present or past tense. 

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